"Be kind, be sweet, be nice. And if you can't be kind, be sweet, be nice then be kind, be sweet, and definitely be nice! "

I have always told my girls this motto, phrase, whatever you want to call it all their lives. And you know what?  My girls are kind, they are sweet, and they are almost always nice.  So it worked - Parenting score for me, right? Or not...

What I have learned just this week is that teaching my girls (and boy) to be kind, be sweet, be nice always is a detriment to them.  Here's why: they think everyone is like them.  Why would someone say one thing and do another?  Of course that boyfriend/friend would never lie about them or to them.  I have given my kids lots of things but I have not given them any tools in their tool box to help them recognize toxic people.  They are being blindsided by people who do not have their best interest at heart.  And staying in relationships they should run far and fast from.  

Where is the balance between teaching our kids to be kind to others, to think the best of others, to just be nice and also equipping them to deal with people who are toxic, broken people?  The people who prey on their kindness, their niceness, who would manipulate their emotions, their thoughts, for their own benefit?  And, truthfully, just how does one go about telling your kids that some people are broken, some beyond anything we can fathom or wish to even think about simply because it is so hard and so sad? 

I talked with a lifelong friend yesterday about this very thing.  She grew up in a stable, loving home.  She was taught to always be kind.  And guess what? At 45 she still is one of the nicest people I know. But she was completely unprepared to recognize and understand what toxic behaviour looked like.  She married a man who bullied her physically, emotionally, and yes, spiritually.  He told my beautiful, amazing, super intelligent friend that she was stupid, that she couldn't make it without him, that what she thought didn't matter because he of course knew better.  And she believed him for many years.  She didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to make him sad or upset with her, and so she married him. 

 Lots of people saw and heard how he treated her even before they were married and not one person said anything. Except me because even at 14 I was a cynic and an expert on what bad guys looked and acted like so I told her he was bad news, that she should run, that she should expect better for herself, that she was worth more than that.  She said to me that she wished people had said something to her.  That her mom had sat down with her and told her no one in the family liked him because of how he treated her.  She thanked me for saying something, and also for supporting her marriage after the fact.  She told me she knew it was hard for me to step out and say something.  And you would think being the cynic I was would have saved me a lot of heartache in my own personal life. It didn't, but that is a whole other post.

My kids and I talk about everything.  I mean EVERYTHING.  We have unintentionally made friends uncomfortable because we have no topic that is out of range of our discussions.  And, yet, somehow I never gave them any tools, any guidelines for recognizing and dealing with toxic people.  Well, the last couple of years have changed that.  We are all learning the hard way how to deal with people who don't always have the best intentions towards one or all of us.  

Here is where that discussing every single thing comes in and has been a blessing for us.  We talk about what is appropriate to expect in a friendship, at what point things need to be referred to adults so they (who we can only hope are better equipped to handle things so heavy and concerning) can deal with it.  We talk about how to recognize what is true and what is not.  We talk about what society tells us is acceptable and whether that is the standard we want to have for ourselves.  We read books about how to set boundaries.  We talk about the different ways people have of rolling over our boundaries.  We talk about red flags in relationships like emotional manipulation, the other person having respect for who you are, who your family is, what your beliefs mean to you.  Does he or she tolerate your family? Does he actively seek to get to know the people you love? Your friends? How does he treat your kid brother or sister? Does he have a personal, ongoing relationship with The Lord?   Is he someone who will pray with you, over you, for you?  Does he guard your private moments by keeping those between you?  Does he protect you by speaking up when others might say mean things to or about you?  Does he call names? Does he dismiss your ideas and dreams or does he encourage them?  Does he or she make you a better you?  

Life is hard, our world is a broken world full of sinful people, who having been broken by the sin of this world continue that cycle by breaking the people they should love, respect, and protect.  We know the answer for that is only a relationship with The Lord.  So our kids, who are kind, sweet, nice, and love The Lord are left with the commission to love people.  How do we help them to protect themselves and still love a life of love?  

I sure don't know but I do know we will continue to love, continue to discuss even the hard things and continue to pray about how and whether to continue these relationships that cause us hurt, asking The Lord to protect us and guide us.  

In Christ 's abundant love,

Peg

Things I love...

Seeing my daughter's eyes as we watch "The Inn of the Sixth Happiness" together is amazing.  We finished the book about Gladys Alyward's life a few weeks ago.  When the older girls and I read it years ago we found the movie version on Netflix.  They were disappointed that the movie wasn't exactly like the book but still enjoyed it.  Charlotte told me this was her most favorite book of the entire year.  It is one of mine as well.

Hearing my older girls laugh and chat about a book they've all read together.  It blesses me that they enjoy each other so much.

The warmth of my beloved's arms around me in the night.  And the love in his eyes as he looks at me. 

The laughter of my son as he teases his sisters.  He brings joy each time he talks and laughs. 

The knowledge that the Lord loves me in spite of myself and the fellowship the family of the Lord provides me. 

My girlfriends who love and laugh with me through the silly, the serious and the times I'm looking for sanity. 

In Christ's Amazing Love,

Peg

Life is moving fast and times are changing...

We had a couple of big events here at La Geron this month.  Things I anticipated with great excitement and dreaded with a worry that only a mama (or a daddy) could have.  The first is another daughter turning 16!  The second is a daughter dating. 

Now what you all have to know as a bit of background is this; In our family if you want to date one of our daughters you have to ask The Dad. You know, this guy:

 
This rule is not of our making. Our daughters got together a couple of years ago and made a decision that if, when they were asked out by a fella then that they would tell him to go to their dad and ask for permission to take them out on a date.  Their feeling is that if he has enough gumption to approach The Dad then they were possibly worth their attention.  Let me make it clear that we are certainly glad to enforce the rule as a family rule now.  Our son will be taught that the right thing to do is approach The Dad when asking a girl out.  I quite like it. 

All of this happened so very fast!  We went to one of our favorite places on Earth - Family Camp.  We go every year and think that possibly it must be a slice of what Heaven will be like.  Our people are there.  We love being there.  We go as early as possible and stay as long as we can!   This year - we knew it was coming...The boys are paying attention to all the teen girls in our families.  Why wouldn't they?  Look at these gorgeous girls:

So the question was asked - Can I take your daughter on a date?  The answer was "I think we can do that."  We were/are impressed with the first young man to come forward and ask my Beloved.  Did you see him?  He's scary looking! It takes courage! 
Then the attempt to actually go on said date started.  Turns out when you are 16 and everyone is watching you and your beau try to date on a campground in full view of God and the world things tend to get interesting. Their first attempt was crashed by many people with comments such as "Leave room for Jesus!" and "You Dog You!"   - Their second attempt was changed to a double date and again multiple friends popping by the gazebo to chat and comment.  Bless their hearts, no need for a chaperone - they had multitudes of them! Finally, by the end of the week, I think a semi-successful date was had and they got to talk to one another without a posse in attendance. 

We think they are cute and are looking forward to seeing what the Lord does in the midst of their friendship/relationship.  Look how adorable they are:

Notice the little chaperone in the background...

And then the next big thing happened: 

She turned 16!  We have a song we sing in our family.  The morning of her birthday she didn't let me sing it at the cabin IN PRIVATE.  So The MAMA went to the worship leader, Marcus, and I taught him the song so he could embarrass er, sing to her in the middle of worship service!  Of course, he did a much better job than The Mama ever does since thankfully he can actually sing.   I texted her when he was done and told her "Should have let me sing this morning."  She loved it.  Really she did. 

So the times they are a changing here at La Geron.  It has been a fun and interesting ride so far.  We're looking forward to seeing what and who comes next into our lives.  Loving the way the Lord is in the midst of it all. 

In Christ's Amazing Love,

Peg

Missing my people...

And not just because I have to wash the dishes! All three of my teen girls are away at camp this week. I am thankful they were able to go but I miss the noise of their chatting, singing and yes, even their arguing.

I like my people. They are articulate, intelligent, loving and beautiful girls. They each have fabulous senses of humor - all very different though. I love how they come check on me each in different ways. I love how they love on each other and their friends. To see their hearts hurting for each other and for those they love but to see them encourage each other is amazing. I am a blessed mama. And I miss my girls. I hope they are having a blast.

In Christ's Love,
Peg

Laughter with friends...

In the past week I have been blessed with several opportunities to hang out with my girlfriends and talk. And laugh! We know how to laugh! I forgot how good it is to laugh so hard that the tears are streaming.

I really think the Lord gives me these amazing friends to show me a slice of heaven here on earth. And to remind me that lives shared are so much richer with blessings.

Thank you, sweet friends far and near for laughing as well as crying with me. You know I will always chose laughter over the tears!

In Christ's Love,
Peg

My year isn't going like I wanted...

Here's why the blog has been neglected and ignored the last year: 

It's been a HARD year.  A very hard year.  One of the hardest I've been through in all my 42+ years.  It has in no way gone like I thought it would. 

 It started with my mom being on vacation one week in April last year to not being able to walk across the room 10 days later.  Many tests, pushing and advocating for herself and arguing to get a final diagnosis of Stage IV non-small cell lung cancer in a woman who hadn't smoked.  She fought well, fought hard but it was already just everywhere and kept spreading because it was so very aggressive.  She passed away November 19, 2011.  We miss her still.

In the midst of all of the final months and days for my mother, we lost our dear friend Dawson.  He was a man of integrity, love, honor and just an amazing friend to all who knew him.  Our sweet Charlotte is named for his beloved wife Charlotte.  We never met her but the stories we heard about her spirit, her sense of humor, and her heart caused us to want to capture that joy in one of our daughters.  I'm happy to say our Charlotte's sense of humor is an entity in and of itself - just like her namesake. Our sweet Henry Thomas is named for Dawson too.  He was Thomas D. Spivey.  Someone asked us where the name came from and we said "From all three sides of the family." and got the strangest looks when we explained it was from my side, Michael's side and the Lord's side (church).  We miss Dawson still.  He loved so well.  If my Henry Thomas loves as well then I will count his a good life.

 The day we said our last goodbyes to Dawson we came home to several inches of water in our downstairs.  The water main inside the house had burst and sprayed water all over our laundry room, family room, our closet etc.  It was a huge mess. Overwhelming in it's hugeness.  Thankfully our insurance company was very good at working with us and assessing what needed to be done very quickly.  Still, it took (and is taking) some time to repair the damage done. We've had to rip out the floor again by the a/c unit because it dumped water under the floor!  So we're still fixing and repairing the damage done nearly a year later.

Then Mom died. Our relationship was complicated and while I was able to visit her just a few weeks before she died to say goodbye it didn't seem like near enough time to say what needed to be said for a lifetime. I still pick up the phone and dial her number about once a week.  To be honest, I had a very hard time dealing with the huge losses of Mom and Dawson back to back coupled with the chaos my house was in through the winter.  My kids were struggling to deal with it all and then there was their mama falling apart.  It was a very dark time in my life.  I don't think I have ever been so sad, so overwhelmed, so lonely in spite of the many people in my life.  Thankfully, I have people who love me enough to say "Honey, you have to do something.  You aren't yourself."  And I got some help.  Thank the Lord for doctors, meds and friends who care enough to say something even when it is hard to say.  

Imagine our surprise when the Lord blessed us with another pregnancy this year.  If you know me at all, you know that having another child is always considered a blessing but just because we are pregnant doesn't guarantee we bring home a babby.  It is what it is.  We had a miscarriage in June.  We had just announced three weeks earlier.  We are very sad and working through our grief.

The transparency is hard in this situation because truth of the matter is people just don't know what to do with the rawness of it.  That we would be so very sad when we know this may be the outcome of any pregnancy is hard for some people to fathom.  Of course, many people don't understand why we'd want more children - don't we have "enough" already?  We see children as a gift, a blessing and we love them - no matter how they come.  That's hard for a lot of people in our lives to understand.  So that adds another level of grief and one more thing we can't talk about to anyone.  I would like to be able to talk about it but I completely understand that people are uncomfortable with the depth of our grief.  Of their own emotions.  It is ok.  But it doesn't discount that we feel this way.  I really won't fall apart if you ask me how I'm doing.  Most days. 

My year did not go the way I thought it would. My summer isn't happening the way I thought it should/would.  Yet in the midst of it all the Lord is there.  He is there in the way my people helped us travel when Mom was sick, there when the water was everywhere and the floors needed ripping out, there when I was so sad and alone to put a hand out and say "Come out of the dark, you don't belong there."  There when we announced we were pregnant - as many people who are sceptical about the size of our family there are three times as many who think another child is a blessing and are so happy for us.  And then those same people were equally heartbroken for us when the pregnancy ended in a loss.  The Lord was there in the midst of it when friends brought dinner, came and stayed with my people while I had surgery, when friends just came to sit with me as I recovered and he was there in the room when my beloved put his arms around me and prayed for strength for me to get through it all when I said I can't do this again.  So while things have not gone the way I thought they would they have gone exactly the way the Lord knew they would and he is there every step of the way.  I sit in his lap more often than not.  I'm thankful for the option. 

So I say all this to say I haven't posted because to be honest the filter is gone and I would not have wanted to alienate any more people than I already do just by being me.  I want you to want to read because - well, truth of the matter - I'm vain like that.  I want to share my heart and my life but have you walking away thinking and laughing more times than not.  Bear with me.  I have no idea where I go from here but the Lord does and I most want to be used by Him in all things.  So my year isn't going like I wanted but it is going somewhere. 

In Clear View and In His Love,
Peg

Another year down...

Not that we ever really stop school but we are testing this week so I do count this as the end of our year for practical purposes. It is so funny to test because truth be told testing really isn't, in my opinion, a true way to gauge how much my kids have learned in a year. We do it because we need to for the state we live in - really no other reason.

What we do use for checking progress is varied and based on LIFE. Yes, LIFE! So this year here is what we've learned in no particular order:

How to read aloud and nurse a wee babe at the same time,
How to change a diaper and read simultaneously,
How to schedule the day so that everyone gets a nap (and by everyone I mean mama - lol)
That my girls know how to run the household when I need/want them to do it. Having a newborn last year this time was a blessing in many ways but one of the most treasured is having my girls take really good care of me and the rest of the house while I just loved on Henry. I didn't need any extra hands to come in to help because not only did I have them but they were more than willing and able to manage meals, laundry, etc. We realized that we'd raised them very well when friends brought meals and my girls invited them in, accepted their gifts graciously and then praised the Lord after they left for the provision.
That boys are very different than girls. Really, really different. In every way. I love that.
I'm sure there are many other things but those are the ones that come to mind right off.


Now I'm sure along about now you are wondering about the book learning and whether or not any of that actually took place. Why yes it did, now that you asked. And we have many a paid library fine to show for it.

I have to say I really appreciate the local librarians not blinking an eye when we come in and check out forty to fifty books at a shot. The thing that brings me the most joy is seeing and hearing my kids discussing books they've read and sharing books amongst each other. Nothing like hearing "You have GOT to read this book Mom!" from your kids. Such a cool thing to hear. And to see them dig out books and research materials to learn more about a period of time or a place they've read about makes my heart just sing.

The discussions to be had here at La Geron are as varied as the people who live here. I love hearing their different perspectives on situations and things we are learning about. These kids constantly amaze me at the way they love to learn. I'm especially proud of my one dd who is the first to admit math is not her gig but still continued to persevere through three different types of Algebra programs til she finally feels she conquered it and her fear of it. I love seeing that determination in her. It will carry her far in life. Sometimes the lesson to be learned isn't really about math. It is about sucking it up and doing the hard thing because it needs to be done. And doing it with a heart, while not exactly cheerful, that is obedient.

What we've seen this year is that work, even when it is hard, is the best way to get to the goal. And being persistent while being consistent is a great combination. So, to sum it all up, we grew a lot this year and sure learned a ton. A successful year finished again.

ICL,
Peg

I have to add a note to this - I haven't been blogging at all the last year plus - this is actually the post I wrote last year at this time and didn't post for some reason or another. It seemed to fit today as I just got those tests scores back for all my people.

 I want to say the year since has been a time of many ups and many more downs but in all of it the life we've chosen to live - a life for the Lord, for each other - has shown me more times than I care to say that we have chosen well. My people love each other, love the Lord and love others very well. One cannot ask for more. I am blessed beyond measure. We've lived life, loved well and done some school in the midst of it all. Another successful year down.  May the Lord be with you always. 

In Christ's Abundant Love,
Peg