What I have learned just this week is that teaching my girls (and boy) to be kind, be sweet, be nice always is a detriment to them. Here's why: they think everyone is like them. Why would someone say one thing and do another? Of course that boyfriend/friend would never lie about them or to them. I have given my kids lots of things but I have not given them any tools in their tool box to help them recognize toxic people. They are being blindsided by people who do not have their best interest at heart. And staying in relationships they should run far and fast from.
Where is the balance between teaching our kids to be kind to others, to think the best of others, to just be nice and also equipping them to deal with people who are toxic, broken people? The people who prey on their kindness, their niceness, who would manipulate their emotions, their thoughts, for their own benefit? And, truthfully, just how does one go about telling your kids that some people are broken, some beyond anything we can fathom or wish to even think about simply because it is so hard and so sad?
I talked with a lifelong friend yesterday about this very thing. She grew up in a stable, loving home. She was taught to always be kind. And guess what? At 45 she still is one of the nicest people I know. But she was completely unprepared to recognize and understand what toxic behaviour looked like. She married a man who bullied her physically, emotionally, and yes, spiritually. He told my beautiful, amazing, super intelligent friend that she was stupid, that she couldn't make it without him, that what she thought didn't matter because he of course knew better. And she believed him for many years. She didn't want to hurt him, didn't want to make him sad or upset with her, and so she married him.
Lots of people saw and heard how he treated her even before they were married and not one person said anything. Except me because even at 14 I was a cynic and an expert on what bad guys looked and acted like so I told her he was bad news, that she should run, that she should expect better for herself, that she was worth more than that. She said to me that she wished people had said something to her. That her mom had sat down with her and told her no one in the family liked him because of how he treated her. She thanked me for saying something, and also for supporting her marriage after the fact. She told me she knew it was hard for me to step out and say something. And you would think being the cynic I was would have saved me a lot of heartache in my own personal life. It didn't, but that is a whole other post.
My kids and I talk about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. We have unintentionally made friends uncomfortable because we have no topic that is out of range of our discussions. And, yet, somehow I never gave them any tools, any guidelines for recognizing and dealing with toxic people. Well, the last couple of years have changed that. We are all learning the hard way how to deal with people who don't always have the best intentions towards one or all of us.
Here is where that discussing every single thing comes in and has been a blessing for us. We talk about what is appropriate to expect in a friendship, at what point things need to be referred to adults so they (who we can only hope are better equipped to handle things so heavy and concerning) can deal with it. We talk about how to recognize what is true and what is not. We talk about what society tells us is acceptable and whether that is the standard we want to have for ourselves. We read books about how to set boundaries. We talk about the different ways people have of rolling over our boundaries. We talk about red flags in relationships like emotional manipulation, the other person having respect for who you are, who your family is, what your beliefs mean to you. Does he or she tolerate your family? Does he actively seek to get to know the people you love? Your friends? How does he treat your kid brother or sister? Does he have a personal, ongoing relationship with The Lord? Is he someone who will pray with you, over you, for you? Does he guard your private moments by keeping those between you? Does he protect you by speaking up when others might say mean things to or about you? Does he call names? Does he dismiss your ideas and dreams or does he encourage them? Does he or she make you a better you?
Life is hard, our world is a broken world full of sinful people, who having been broken by the sin of this world continue that cycle by breaking the people they should love, respect, and protect. We know the answer for that is only a relationship with The Lord. So our kids, who are kind, sweet, nice, and love The Lord are left with the commission to love people. How do we help them to protect themselves and still love a life of love?
I sure don't know but I do know we will continue to love, continue to discuss even the hard things and continue to pray about how and whether to continue these relationships that cause us hurt, asking The Lord to protect us and guide us.
In Christ 's abundant love,
Peg
