May is a time of great joy in our house. My Emma turned 11 the other day. And we had a great time celebrating the joy that she brings and gives to us. She is a sweet, giving child with a servant's heart. She is a beautiful girl inside and out. We are thankful for her.
At the same time we always deal with a great deal of sorrow in May. Our sweet babby boy Zebulon Adam was born in May. He was stillborn at 22 weeks. We miss him still. Even though we never got to hold him this side of Heaven we miss him. Makes no sense to someone who has not walked the path we have.
I realized today that yet another May has passed by and we are still missing Zeb. I picture him with Jesus holding his hand as he walks the streets of gold. Talking to my daddy - my daddy loved his grandbabies. He loved being a granddad. He took great joy in the job of being a granddad. I picture Zeb with a head full of curls and a smile just like my beloved's. I miss him. I have marked yet another year since we lost him.
Some days it doesn't bother me because I know he's in a WAY better place than we are. Others it hits me right in the gut. Takes my breath away. Like when Charlotte said to me a few weeks ago "If Zeb were here he'd be friends with the Kriner boys." It had never occurred to me until that moment that yes Zeb, Micah and Caleb would be the same age and best of friends. It makes me enjoy the twins more when we are with them.
Today I also realized that I go through May in a fog. I can't focus. I'm forgetful. I just do the next thing. Put the next foot in front of the other. I don't think the Lord means me to live like that every year. And I know my Zeb would not want us to be that way. So I made a promise to myself today that I would be focused on the joy, the moment and the time we have here until we get to see him in heaven. So, as a friend of mine said today, I'm trading my sorrows in!
God is good all the time and I am thankful for the joy that May brings. I choose to focus on the joy.
In Christ's Abundant love,
Peg
2 comments:
Praying for you as you work on focusing on the joy.
I too can relate.....all too well. My month is August.
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